so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
