Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
