so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
