I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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