used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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