A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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