He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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