so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
