Your favorite bartender is back from prision
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
