Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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