Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
