DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
