if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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