She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
