We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
