if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
