I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
