His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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