her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
this is an emotional support booty call
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
