i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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