My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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