So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
this hospital has no fireball
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
