how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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