im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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