the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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