I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
