I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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