So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
