YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
