Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
