I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you never un-have a 4some
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
