I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
