I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my liver is dry heaving
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
