Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
