Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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