ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
