Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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