Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
