My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
