I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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