Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
