Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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