The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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