I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
