Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
