quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
