You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
