I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
