got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
