My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
