I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
