If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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