I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
